living with poison ..

i was poisoned.. and i am poison now..

many came, and i let them fall and go..

its beyond me now to keep them with me.. before i poisoned them too..

poison? is it a curse? or a weapon of protection?

i don't know, don't wish to know also...

protected. perhaps i am now.. and behind these poisonous walls of protections.. i felt cold, incomplete, inhuman even..

perhaps.. inhuman.. is what this poison is trying to make me.. void me off any humanly emotions nor longings... leaving nothing for me less the poison and myself..

weapon? i doubt i would ever wield it .. to inflict damage to others... i lack the courage and the cruelty.. i though less a human.. still lingers some compassion..

compassion.. i tried to exercise .. by setting them free from my poisonous clutches.. but who then will set me free from the clutches? would it have to me myself again?

i see no end.. unless i am the end...

i see no cure ... unless i am the cure..

i desire no feelings.. unless .. i can love again...

i pray? maybe.. but to whom? i poisoned myself.. and now who would bother to remove this poison from me?

no one cares, no one knows, no one bothers.... cold.. lonely ... void of emotions and feelings... no longer eligible for any of those earthy things ..

my Goddess watching over me... was it me who had forsaken you.. or You had abandoned your devoted follower.. and let the poison in me to eat my devotion up.. bit by bit.. until none is left.. is this what You and the rest of Them want off me?

so it shall be.. strong and protected by the poison.. though cold and lonely.. at least i will no longer feel the hurts of earthy matters...

perhaps i should smile?

relativity

one great Teacher ever taught humans, "all things exists in relativity.." .. but how many of us really understood the meaning?

well .. from my humbly short life span here.. this is my point ..

my close friend has been attached with another partner for over 7 yrs, and one day, his partner left town for a few days, to attend to some personal matters..

over dinner, he shared with me, "i think i can understand how you guys felt when you just broke off, its like, some one, is just not there, where you were so used to finding it there last time"

well .. bingo .. 

we came to Earth alone [ok, some may be twins or triplets, but most of us, alone]

and we will leave Earth, some day, alone, also .. 

then? why did every one fear to be alone, to be lonely, to be unattached with another?

why did every one cry when he just broke off? why does the heart ache so much when some one left us? 

because... some one had been into our hearts .. feel it with warmth .. and joy ..

more than words can describe.. its like some sweet dreams, in the heavens..

and when some one left us? this warmth and joy will be sucked out ..

and we gone back to where we all started, alone..

then why painful?

because, we had experienced "it" before... and without which, in comparison, its much colder and less joyful in where we used to be..

its like this scenario .. you had been born and live in a poor, run down, squatters' slum area... and one day, u met some one who brought you into a palace to stay, for a period of time.. ... and then place you back into the slum ..

how would you feel by then?

you had grown up in the slum, spent many years there.. but look what happened now?

you start to miss those days in the palace.. start to find the slum smelly and dirty, start to..... feel bad?

well .. isn't this relativity?

slum is good .. as long as it is relative to nothing, nothing to compare with..

what now? slum when placed in relative to a palace... you know the answer..

we feel lonely, we think we are lonely, we think we need some one .. 

its because we HAD some one before.. and we want it again, if possible, forever..

this, in a way, its a form of desire, if not managed properly, will lead humans astray, and start doing wrong things..

put your perspective right,,, where did we start?

slum .

palace, nice place no doubt, but how many can actually stay in there forever?

we came here alone, will be leaving here alone .. so no point spent your days alive craving for partnership, fighting loneliness.

live life .. dun waste it . my life is ending, trust me, dun regret anything when you breathe your last.

happy? new year

yearly, i dread this season . and never feel so "fake" to force up a smile and greet others , "happy chinese new year" :))

not from my heart, but straight from my vocal cords only.

why? well.. perhaps, to those parents, or going to be future parents, maybe you should read on. and not repeat such mistakes on your future children..

chinese new year, shouldn't it be a joyous period of gathering with relatives, friends, etc??

and it turns out? into some political battle field, where different clans of relatives gang up to battle their meanest politics against another clan.. and the battle goes on .. to other groups of relatives from "the other side" [meaning, your wife/husband side],,,,,

and constant battling can be heard, things like, "why should i go over YOUR SIDE first?"  ,, "why YOUR SIDE cannot come to MY SIDE first?? " ... ."Why must i always give in to YOUR SIDE".... etc etc

i mean .. this YOUR side .. vs .. MY side .. thing is really getting on my nerve..

aren't both parties to be married, and supposed to be the closest of 2 humans on Earth? and yet? YOUR SIDE, MY SIDE?? and tell people you both are a couple????  

chinese new year.. a period where all historical hatred surfaces, ... a real test to any relationship...

ideally, it should be "OUR" side .... 

lets go to OUR uncle house, etc etc..

and parents... dun think you are spared... 

how many times you got jealous, because your own children go to "the other side" parents' house first?

how many times you flared up, because your own children must eat reunion dinner with "the other side" parents first?

again, taking "sides" , aren't we?

why.. can't things be simpler,, just "OUR" side...

all meet and eat together.. all parents from ALL sides....

i mean, its re-union dinner right? 

sigh .. chinese chinese..

are they really happy?

Newton's Third Law of Motion

how many of us actually can deliver according to his third law, action == reaction?

i doubt..

many a times, human took things for granted, taken things as "expected wad, whats the big deal, supposed to be wad".... 

how many a times did u actually bother to zoom out of your tiny little world, to see things from a third, external angle?

only then, you realized, what an irritating, unreasonable, demanding, selfish, idiot you had been to those people around you..

human, there are differences, no doubt, but please, no one is borned to please and serve another human.. no one is expected to .. unless its a paid - profession to do so..

how many times, we had friends fetching us, to places, even from your home to other destinations.. 

but .. did we ever take a serious look into such deeds? to empathize what trouble and effort they had gone through to fetch and deliver us to certain destinations?

or .. do we always brush things aside, "assuming" that everywhere is "on the way, by the way" for such friends?

and . to add on . 

when it is your turn to drive, did it cross your mind to drop them some where, to pick them from some where, even if it is not really "on the way" ?

or . petrol, trouble, time, effort, are your major concerns?

if so, why then, when it is your friends who are driving, did they not have such concerns on petrol, parking, time, effort?

what makes you soooo different from all other people?

why , only YOU can have such restrictions and concerns, and at the same time, you expect others to fetch you, to send you to some destinations, even if it is entirely out of their way?

world is never fair . is this the answer?

perhaps, then, it should be about time, that you shall also taste some of such unfairness..

friends, out of good will and perhaps, friendship, should not be too calculative over trivial things..

but when the other party is starting to calculate every single drop of petrol, every second of time and effort ... 

then, please, be prepared to "expect" the same set of formulas, criteria, and calculations to be applied onto yourself.

all of us should expect, how others are treating us, is mirrored from how we had treated them...

ask or expect treatments, that you are prepare to give to other people..

do not ask nor expect treatments, which you are not prepared to give..

no one likes to be treated as fools.

DANGER == keep away - death awaits

scenario based question: 

  if u know u will hurt, maybe even kill, the person u truly likes if u allow that person to get close to u, what would u choose to do, to a some one who really touches u? and why?

justify your answer           [25 marks]

--------

i would do a show, staged it, presented it, act it out, in front of the very eyes of that person.

to make sure that person sees everything that is bad about me... regardless its the truth or faked .. 

its painful, acting in such a show.. corner of my eyes observing the pain, agony, disappointment, anger, jealousy, on the person's face.. 

and i still have to carry on acting... pretending i did not notice, or rather, not bother to notice the person's presence ..as this is part of the whole show anyway..

i know, i hurt u . all in good cost. 

to protect u, from me, i have to . leave.

but i cannot leave.

so the only way, is to make sure u leave . 

i am tired, exhausted, strained.. i have no more strength to walk away .

but , i will make sure i squeeze out the last bit of strength in me, to push u away from me, as far as i can, for as long as i can,  maybe for eternity?

forget me, leave, and be happy. 

ur smile, a true smile, is what i will always remember, till my last breathe..

i have to protect u .. even its at the expense of drawing all my strength, spilling all my blood... i will still protect u.

some day, maybe, u may find out the truth. 

by then, don't shed a tear. rather, , u should smile, because, in this life,  u had met a person who can put your well being as his top most priority.. over which he is willing to bear all the pain by himself, silently watching u walked away, in search of happiness in some one else' arms.

be happy, ok? i did what i could . and i have to go. 

dun cry, if u ever read this,  some day, when i am already not around..

ok? 

emotional quotient?

how many a times, we need to lend a listening ear, even a shoulder to cry on, for our friends, listening to their down moments in life... 

but . how many a times, we really .. "listen"? 

truthfully?

or we just, "be there", play the role.. and end.

or worse, quietly tell ourselves, 

"lucky i do not have to go through those things"

"phew... glad its not me who is going through those things"

who will actually bothers, to really empathize. and put wholeheartedly into the other party's situation, and feel the pain he is feeling?

who will bother.. and why bother , in the first place,  right?

human, is selfish by nature..

we watch others burn in flames of distress, depression, loneliness, etc.

deep inside, we felt a sense of relief, that its not us who were in the flames..

though our mouth and body will act as though we stay with him throughout..

but sincerely . who really bothers?

we come to this world alone . and will leave here, alone, as well..

hearing stories of break off, loneliness, etc. 

do you really think, a sentence "you better off alone la" will really heal everything, soothe every pain?

to add on, after saying that, u walk off in the warm arms of your loved ones, leaving your friend, really, practically, alone... watching both of u . hand-in-hand, giggling and strolling further and further away.. with your empty words ..

  "u still have me ah" ..

       "u happier alone la" ....

still lingering in his cold, depressed mind.. standing all alone in the cold shadowy night..

 really? who would i have? *cold smile*

so, what is EQ? and how much EQ do you really , sincerely, BOTHERs to exert onto your closed friends?

i dont know, some say i am thinking too much, asking for too much .. 

perhaps, perhaps. i should be, and would be, better off, alone.

peaceful? or lonely?

a castle, majestic, high, solid ... surrounded by deep running waters, sturdy gates .... 

inside - dark, gray, cold, peaceful, quiet....

outside - heart ripping monsters, waiting to rip out your soul and banish you to the abyss of endless suffering..

no doubt, no monsters had ever penetrated the defense of this tall dark castle..

no doubt, one is safe and peaceful inside the castle.. very safe, so safe until it can be lonely in those cold long nights..

knock knock ~ comes from the sturdy gate...

would you, take a bold move, lower the gates and allow this person to come in ...  

knowing that there might be a chance that he may be another monster in disguised.. waiting to wrack havoc in your peaceful castle?

knock knock ~ comes the eager visitor again .. 

would you cast a 'wall of fire' spell, and ward off the visitor? and let no one, come any closer to the vicinity of the castle?

safe?

peaceful?

or lonely?

 -- what am i?